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All Hail Canada’s Hair Apparent!
by Paul Raworth Bennett
Canadian Federal politics just got a lot hairier after yesterday’s landslide victory for the Liberal Party’s youthful and telegenic leader, Justin “Selfie” Trudeau. Lock-dreading, tressed-out Tory supporters may just feel like curling up in knots this morning – fit to be dyed, fearing we’ve just saddled ourselves with fiscal ineptitude from hair to eternity.
The anti-Trudeau camp has been howling that he’s just another silver-spooned millionhaire – just another ungrateful head, really – but he’s undeniably bright (if not a Sheerlock Combs) and hardworking, having already weathered a flurry of cutting remarks in the Lower Salon. Hopefully, he won’t incur too many Austin Powers-style reprimands (“Oh, beehive!”) from the Speaker of the House.
So we’ll all just have to be patient while the young lad steps into Canada’s biggest shoes, dodging the hot irons that will be inevitably curled in his direction. He’ll have his share of bad-hair days (and he could definitely use a little bit of Toastmastering) but don’t count him out just yet.
I reckon that eventually he’ll start channeling withering rhetoric from his father Pierre (Canada’s charismatic-but-divisive former Prime Minister), handily brushing off whatever pesky flakes might flutter about him in the House (most of Justin’s challengers aren’t so dand-ruff, after all).
Our hapless, helpless, hopelessly naïve Tory strategists have even managed to outdo their fumbling, bumbling Republican’t counterparts south of the 49th! They’ve buffooned and skewered themselves by relentlessly banging the “he’s just not ready” drum (Justin… just not ready… I get it!) and executing scholarly, insightful manoeuvres like making fun of Trudeau’s hair (we know they didn’t run any Millennial focus groups on those ideas!) In their desperate last-ditch efforts to save the doomed S.S. Harper, their biggest mistake wasn’t to insult Trudeau (we’re all pretty much inured to election-campaign mudslinging, anyways) but to fail to realize much how attacking Trudeau would alienate the millions of under-50 Canadians who identify with him (regardless of how informed they actually are about the man and his vision).
In any event, I’m sure Trudeau will style himself more tactfully – and will lead Canada more compassionately – than would The Donald (if the latter became POTUS, can you imagine the hell toupée?) All I can think of right now is… God Bless America!
Well, I guess I’d better cut this short. Federal politics never will (and never should) be any kind of Hairway to Heaven, but the lad deserves a chance – so heads up everyone, let’s all get behind Prime Minister Trudeau and celebrate a new look (alright alright… a fresh start) for Canada!