Inside the Writer’s Mind

Note to my cherished readers: green = my inner critic; red = my replies to said critic; black italicized = stuff you might see if this was a scene from a playblack (strikethroughs are deletions) = what I was struggling to write!  Oh, and Bingo is my dog.

Dear Amy,

It’s been great chatting with you recently. Use an exclamation mark to convey more enthusiasm, Paul.  YOU again? Scram! Be gone! recently!  Bingo and I really enjoyed meeting Your Delightful Big Doggie, too! Sorry, I forgot its Whenever possible, instead of “its” use gender-specific pronouns such as “his” or “her”.her name.  So Use a comma instead of a period between “name” and “so please”… tighten it up, Paul, by joining the two sentences.  Damn you! I told you to go away! Sorry, I forgot her name, so please refresh my memory.

Anyways, I just thought you might like to Replace “like to” with “enjoy”… one less word… remember what Miss Spinster always said in 8th-grade grammar, Paul: less is more! enjoy checking out Instead of “enjoy checking out”, say “enjoy reviewing” or “enjoy reading”… avoid unnecessary jargon or trite phrases such as “checking out”.  Leave already, you hellish beast!  Don’t try to hurt my feelings, Paul… you’ll only hurt yourself.  I don’t need your existentialist bullshit! You’re not as smart as you think you are. enjoy reading Attaboy, Paul!  Well gee, thanks – at last – now GET… THE… HE’LL OUT!  That’s “the hell out”, Paul – you’ve got an extra apostrophe in there. Screw you! my little creative writing blog.

I’m hungry! Who’s down for pizza? I’m heading out for a large pepperoni.  Yes, go! Go anywhere – pizza, Chinese, whatever.  Just leave me alone!  I’m trying to write a letter!

It’s called Verbalis Neurotica (I chose the name, in part, because writing can be such a neurotic endeavour)… I also considered calling it Verbalis Chaotica (but I like that “neurotica” is closer to “erotica”… 😉 ).

(… after a 5-minute break …)

Anyways, just Google “Verbalis Neurotica” and you’ll find a little clutter of stuff “collection of writings” works better than “clutter of stuff”, Paul. collection of writings that you might find interesting. On second thought, “hopefully-interesting writing collection” is tighter… remember Paul, tighter is better! YOU again! Pizza! I thought you said you were getting pizza! hopefully-interesting writing collection. What’s it to you? I changed my mind about the pizza. So what?  Whatever. Well, go get ME a pizza, then! Anything, any toppings, I don’t care. Knock yourself out.  Paul: avoid excessive use of idioms such as “Knock yourself out”.  That’s “idioms”, not “idiom”! You can’t even spell properly, Mr. Know-It-All… the pot’s calling the kettle black now!  “Pot’s calling the kettle black” doesn’t compute… is that another idiom?  Just GO! And don’t hurry back!  Alright Paul… I’ll go for a large pepperoni… see you in about 20 minutes.

(… sound of a door slamming …)

I seriously think being a creative writer is self-imposed insanity, Amy. But it can also be lots of fun… be warned!

Enjoy your day and hope to see you again.

Best Wishes,

Paul

(… tiny voice in the distance …)
That should be “I hope to see you again”.  And “Best Wishes” is so common, Paul… can’t you think of anything better?  Dear God, give me strength…

4 thoughts on “Inside the Writer’s Mind

  1. Apparently the voices in your head speak a similar language to the voices in mine when I’m writing. The inner critic can be so cruel and brilliant at the same time. Thanks for a peek into your brilliance!

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      1. Constantly! Similarly my cooking conversation goes something like….. should I use oregano… no maybe basil would add a cleaner or fresher balance… scratch that, throw in a small stem of thyme. What onion would lend the best flavor? Should I use walla walla, or maybe a shallot? Garlic too? Or just a garlic scape to give a hint of garlic…. If I use a garlic scape should I chop fine or leave long stems? yada yada yada, and all the while scratching out the ingredients that DO end up in a recipe and the amounts, weighing out those that need to be weighed, measuring those that need measuring, etc. I usually end up at the end of the day with a glass of wine to sort everything out. Best solution I can think of. haha.

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