Area Man Discovers the Joy of Shoes Without Laces

from: The Pepperville Tribune
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2020

Pepperville resident, Ben Wilson, has recently discovered the satisfaction that comes with not having to tie up his sneakers every time he puts them on. It seems 47-year-old Wilson found this out only recently, while searching in vain for the eleventh pair of his usual lace-ups at the Target store in Cayenne Heights.

“I was always proud of myself because I thought that tying shoelaces meant my hands were strong and I had great hand-eye coordination,” Wilson shared with your Community Beat reporter. “I used to show this to women on first dates, and I didn’t care that they never seemed interested in going out again. What the hell! If they weren’t impressed by my tie-up skills then that was their problem, not mine.”

“And then I discovered these moccasin-style sneakers with stretchy bands instead of laces, and I found that I could just squeeze my feet into the biggest youth size and save a little bit of cash. Here, have a look!”

Wilson pulled one off, waved it proudly in the air in front of your reporter, and winked. “I’m sure the ladies will be impressed by how quickly I can slip on these babies!”

He’s so excited at his new discovery that he’s considering setting up his own folding table in front of the store, just to the side of the sliding glass doors, where he can display his pride and joy to inbound shoppers in the hopes that they’ll think long and hard about going laceless.

“I’m sure Target won’t mind me helping them sell shoes, and if they were to pay me to set up my table, that would be icing on the cake,” he gushed. “I just want to make a meaningful contribution to the community. And I don’t drink, so the local bars don’t really interest me.”

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